A Waiter’s Lesson In Patience

I was recently enjoying lunch at a local café when the following occurred.

As I was having a conversation with my supervisor, I glanced toward the counter. Several teenagers walked toward the counter and spotted a complimentary plate of chocolate chip cookie slices (if that doesn’t bring in customers, what will)?

Then I realized what was going on. They saw an opportunity for free food and left their manners at home. They proceeded to each eat slices of the cookie and walk away. Then the young men strolled back over to the counter a second time. One of them had the gall to ask for a free drink of water as they continued to munch away! At this point, I was internally fuming.

“How could they be so brazen? Don’t give him water. Tell him to leave and only come back if he wants to be a patron.”

Then I witnessed greatness.

The waiter pulled out a large pitcher of water, filled a cup and handed it to the young man. I think the whippersnappers finished all 360 degrees of the cookie, but I don’t know for certain.

Wow. He knew what was going on and he didn’t tell them off. He didn’t even tell them off in a polite and dignified way. He gave the young man a drink and didn’t mention the cookie-heist.

After my meal, I walked over to the waiter, whom I had previously had the pleasure of speaking to (mainly during ordering, I must admit).

I told him that I appreciated his patience and was impressed by the Kiddush Hashem--an act of sanctification of G-d’s name--that he performed with his noble response. He responded, “Hey, we need everyone.”

One of G-d’s thirteen traits that he revealed to Moses was Erech A’payim—slow-to-anger. Patience. Patience is the ability to slow things down and release the frustration that naturally rises when our will is hindered.

The breakneck speed of life, coupled with our individual perceptions of our own moral greatness, often produces a toxic cocktail of righteous indignation. We are utterly offended if parents yell at their children; if a bus driver doesn’t smile when we step on to the bus; if our spouses don’t welcome us with slippers and a pipe when we enter after a long day at the office; when our child defies our will when we know the right thing to do!

The calm waiter was “spot on.” We need the older person who feels bitter because his family doesn’t visit him; we need the teenagers who often act rude because they weren’t exposed to mature role models; we need the bus driver who didn’t smile because his dad passed away two weeks ago. We need everybody because we’re all in this together.

We’ll only get through this life in a beautiful way if we embody and live a kind patience; if we don’t bristle and extend our spikes when we’re offended. Of course, there are times we need to take a stand and express a resounding “no” to an injustice perpetrated before our eyes or ears. In those moments, a failure to stand up and speak up would be inappropriate. Let these moments be the exception, and let us choose patience with a side of sincere warmth.

The Key is in Your Pocket

One morning last week during our morning “rush hour” I could not find my keys.

“Where are they? They’re always in my coat pocket at this point.”

As I juggled Mayer and Yehudis, I tried to find the keys. I covered all of the tables, rooms, nooks and crannies. No keys!

What do you do if you’re in a real bind? I texted my wife. She called me immediately and asked me if they were in one of the usual suspect places. As I was speaking to her I thought, “Let me stick my hand in this coat pocket one last time just…”

Found them.

How could that be? I already checked there. They were hiding beneath a glove and a pair of 180 ear muffs. How dare they!

A recurring life question bubbled up in my mind not long after key-gate. “What can I learn from this?

The following idea emerged.

When you’re looking for something, look deeper in the places you’d expect to find it. You don’t need to scour exotic and unusual places.

Very often, we seek joy, pleasure, identity, meaning, and life’s other important qualities in exotic places. We cover the globe in the digital morning paper; we read this book and that book to try and discover ourselves; we yearn for a trip to the islands, the mountains, the beaches in order to acquire serenity.

More often than not, what we’re looking for is right at our fingertips. More joy is waiting for us if we put in more effort at our homes. Greater self-knowledge is at hand when we sit and “go inside” for more than just a few moments. Meaning is practically jumping off the pages of the books of Torah that line our bookshelves.

So the next time you feel like you’re missing something, stop, breathe deeply, and look deeper at the people, situation, and time that is right before your eyes. No traveling required.

Life Lesson 1001: Opening Day and Living in the Moment

My endlessly kind mother and I went to the Baltimore Orioles 2016 opening day game at Camden Yards, slated to begin at 3:05 in the afternoon. Ominous clouds hung overhead as the eager crowd stocked up on cold beer and hot dogs. The tarp went onto the field and the fans sat with concerned faces. When would the first pitch cross the pristine plate?

4:45 p.m.

After I recovered from the minor shock that the game was not going to start for another hour, I resolved to make the most of my precious time with my mother. We spoke at length and had a rare opportunity to delve into life topics that we generally only scratch the surface of. Success!

4:45 p.m.: The first 30 minutes of play were exciting. Then the rain picked up. Rain delay number two! We decided to leave as bedtimes and tefillah (prayer) were peeking around the corner of the diamond. Then I thought, “Oh no, there haven’t been five innings. If they don’t start again, this game won’t go in the books.”

The rookie’s hit in his first big league plate appearance…erased. The starting pitcher’s stellar 5 strike outs in two innings…gone. Because there will be no outcome, this game and these moments will be gone forever, as if they never happened.

Or would they be gone?

Does a process only have existence if there is a result? Do the pages in the story only have life if the book has an end? Does the effort at work only have vitality if the project is completed? Although, theoretically obvious and simple, the "no" to the above questions often eludes us, and we are poorer for being distant from this teaching. 

Life is not always neat. The game often does not result in a win or loss. The article may not get finished. The project may switch gears and not have the predicted finale. A person may switch careers and feel as though he left orphaned skills and knowledge sets at his former office. Yet, life is not about whether there is a result, but how we play the game. The moments are alive, delicious, and laden with meaning simply by themselves, regardless of the results.

Hashem wants us to focus on the process of life. Are you putting effort into your Mitzvos? Do you give yourself fully to the Torah learning you are engaged in?

In Pirkei Avot Rabbi Ben Hei Hei teaches us, lefum tzara agra –according to the effort (lit suffering) will be the reward. (Pirkei Avot 5:21). Hashem is concerned primarily about our input: our attention, focus, thinking, actions, and emotional investment. He does not primarily focus on whether we finish the Sefer, complete the Mitzvah, or otherwise obtain the ideal result.

The above teaching regarding relishing the process has major implications.

•    Practice mindfulness. “Outcome thinking” is often our default pattern. Practice pausing, breathing, and briefly considering how you want to “be” in each situation. If you notice that your mind is drifting to the next activity or the outcome of the activity you are engaged in, escape to a brief inner recess. Take 4 deep breaths. Bring your focus back to the present moment. Look into the eyes of the person you are speaking to. Listen carefully to the words he or she is transmitting to you. Smell the air as you walk outside. The only place you can be is in the present. Be present.
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•    Set process goals, not just outcome goals. Instead of, or in addition to, writing down goals such as finishing a particular Sefer, competing in an event, raising X amount of dollars for an organization, or similar objectives, capture the process goals as well. I will learn 3 pages from this Mussar (Torah book on ethical teachings) Sefer each day; I will learn 1 new halacha per week; I will take a brisk walk 5 days each week; I will call one person each week solely for the purpose of sharing a few kinds words.
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So, read the chapter even though you may not finish the book; learn several verses in this week’s Torah portion even though you may not reach its end; have the conversation with the old friend even though he may not be a part of your current life picture; try the class even though you may not go to the next; order a different meal even though you may get the “regular” next time; work on a particular character trait with gusto even though you don’t know what success looks like; join a Shabbat meal even though you not be “all in;” and go on that trail even though you don’t know where it leads. 

Do it for the moments themselves, not because of the finish line. 

As a side note, I slipped into the trap of trying to reach a specific word count with this piece. Keep your eye on those outcome-based thoughts. They tend to persist. OId habits don’t die easily. They require present-minded effort to overcome!

So keep reading and keep growing!

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Welcome! The mission statement of my new blog is to provide insights on Torah, Mediation, Law, Health, Fitness, and other topics to facilitate growth. We should constantly seek growth in character, growth in knowledge, growth in skills, and growth in various other areas of life! So keep reading and keep growing!